Chapter 1: Buying a Mattress

It was around late February when these events took place. New Orleans was warming up in the afternoon as I stepped out onto the porch to find Travis on the banjo having a couple beers. This scene came to be familiar, contextual even, to many an adventure - some of which I hope to share with you all. Well, we had been up the night before playing croquet till all hours on the front lawn; and much as I would have liked to lounge outdoors and watch the plants grow, I had made up my mind to be productive that day. 

At this time I was sleeping on a wooden bed frame of my own make comprised of 2x4's and plywood sheets. Sarah was nice enough to load me a foam pad which I had doubled over and wrapped in spare bedding. I also had a sleeping bag. But after two months I had grown tired of camping in my own bedroom so I decided the time had come to grow up a little and buy my very first mattress. My sleeping apparatus acquirement thus far in my life had consisted of futons and second hand items passed on from friends and strangers. So least to say, I was excited by the prospect. A new experience for a new home. 

Travis, for lack of anything better to do, decided to accompany me on over to Mattress Direct where I hoped to spend as little as $250 for a brand spanking new crash pad. I was happy not just for the company but also for the wise council that Travis provides and that I have come to rely upon. Having grown up hunting his own food and distilling his own liquor since childhood in the jungles of back country Georgia, my friend has come to know one or two things about the world. We jumped in Doris (the indomitable traveling Taurus) and sped off. 

A middle aged man named Bruno greeted us through his sandwich as we walked in the door. The building seemed long as it was tall, though oddly narrow feeling. Bruno was genial and spoke with the authority of someone experienced and comfortable with his daily routine. We spoke at some short length about his merchandise. He asking me several pointed questions about my mattress preferences to which I had halting and incomplete responses.. Travis was quiet but observant. Sooner than eventually, we all came to the slightly awkward realization that I simply didn't know very much about buying a mattress at all. 

"This y'all's first time buying huh?"
In a chuckle that strained to appear casual I responded that yes, true,I haven't had much experience with that sort of thing. Bruno put his sandwich down. 

"Alright well let me get you some education on the subject."

Unbeknownst to me (and possibly even to Travis) was that there exists a real and true methodology to trying out mattresses. Bruno called it his "three-minute rule."

"Because if you can't feel comfortable on a mattress for three minutes, that ain't your mattress."

Bruno provided me with a pillow, which was considerate, and a disposable sheet to cover it, which made me feel dirty. 

Despite my obviously disheveled appearance and having made an off-hand comment about being a cheap bastard who just wanted a cheap mattress, we started with the most expensive item in the store. "And we'll work our way down from there," he said. So I mounted up on a king-size tempurpedic with built in heating as well as individualized positioning for couples. Bruno held the controls and took it upon himself to make me "comfortable." And it was while I was being remotely cradled by a man I had only just met that I was shown the paramount feature which made this mattress the mattress to end all mattresses. Bruno punched in a combination on the remote and I felt my whole body register a massive eruption from a subwoofer that was built into a bed frame. Speakers from the headboard blared out the accompanying melody from what sounded like a hundred brass horns. I was quickly overwhelmed and looked to my companion to try and gauge the appropriate reaction to my experience here. Outwardly, Travis registered mild surprise - inwardly however, I knew he was exceptionally amused. 

And just as quickly, it was all over. My three-minute joy ride with the King of All Mattresses was finished. The music stopped and I was fully horizontal once more. I was then informed that for the low-low cost of just eight thousand dollars, I could have that same experience every night. Reasonable payment plans were available. I said that perhaps it was somewhat over my price range.

"Well alright, let's move on."

And thus continued a long and thoroughly curated tour by Bruno of his domain and the myriad of mattress designs and styles he had to offer. I would lie down, as instructed, and Bruno would sit right across from me on the neighboring product, asking me questions, watching and waiting. There was quite a bit of waiting to go around. During these three-minute trials I had the chance to ponder deeply as to the effects of social discomfort on the relativity of time. 

I was on my 7th and last mattress, the cheapest one in the store at $450. Bruno was expectant though not pushy and allowed me some time and space to ponder my options. It was time to be decisive. Be strong - be concrete about you want, I told myself.  I got up. Squared my jaw. Leveled my gaze and walked over the register. 

"Yea listen, um, thanks this has been great and, like, I dig all these, and thanks for all the help, yeah, but maybe I think I'm going to think about it I think - I'll definitely come back." And we left. 

The End

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Postscript: I did actually end up finding a mattress that day at a used furniture store near my house. I didn't break the bank and I got something comfortable, making sure to spend three minutes on it before purchase. It's now in my room and I use it every night, sometimes during the day too.